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  • kerrythorne
    • Dec 13, 2023
    • 7 min read

Order Starting To Be Restored

Not long at all now until Christmas Day. I love the excitement of December so much. We are watching at least 1 Christmas film each day and reading festive books every bedtime. All four of us have our Christmas PJs on daily, and tomorrow I’m going to pop the festive bedding on too.

I’m constantly staring at our Christmas tree, it’s so beautiful. It might be my favourite one we have ever done. I was wise to choose all handmade decs (either made by myself, or others) made almost entirely of wood, wool, fabric, and buttons. Nothing breakable, nothing to stress about when the children start fiddling. They have both been really good overall, only occasionally being drawn towards it and playing with a few of the decorations, but all in all there is no stress surrounding it and for that I am grateful.

 


The dreaded sickness bug got to us all throughout the week. Luke and Luna didn’t get affected too badly. Aurora was over hers by Thursday and back at Pre School by Friday. I then was hit by it in the early hours of Saturday morning. It was brutal. I wasn’t that sick with it, only 3 times total, but the nausea was debilitating! I almost couldn’t move but then attempting to lay perfectly still with 2 toddlers to contend with is damn near impossible! Luckily Luke was able to stay home from work for a few hours, but with it being their busiest day of the year so far, and already having a staff member on holiday, he had to get in ready to help with the remainder of the day, so I was left alone with the girls and the horrific bug.


Once up the following morning, I settled on the sofa, with a Christmas film on, of course, and the girls were quite content, but even a request for a snack had me falling to the floor as standing was too much of a challenge. By 10.30am I decided to make a coffee. A rogue decision but I was absolutely starving and thought that may be a better way of filling my stomach without advancing straight to food. It was a wobbly start, but by the time I reached the bottom of my cup, I felt better. I desperately needed to wash my hair, so took a chance at having a shower, obviously finishing with my 2 minutes of cold water, and I swear that I have not felt sick since. It was like a switch had been flipped. Approx 32 hours from start to finish and it was done. Much better than other members of my family who seem to have suffered on for days, if not nearing weeks!

Maybe we had a different strain, although it did seem as though we had all caught it from each other, so who knows. I’m thanking the caffeine and cold-water exposure!

 

We have finally finished decorating Luna’s bedroom. There are a few finishing touches, but it reached the stage where we could move her back in. Thank goodness! There were definitely positive parts to having her in our room, but it is so nice to have our space back again and start to empty out all her belongings that were piled up as well. We have gone for a different layout, so with that and the new colours, it feels like a completely different room. I really like it. She obviously does as well as she slept all the way through from 8pm – 7.20am! Fingers crossed this is a sign of things to come. She had been sleeping through about 3 nights out of the week, but that had stopped over the past couple of weeks. Her final canine tooth has poked through now though, so hopefully that’s it for a while, until the molars start! She went down easily tonight, in fact they both did. I think they were both exhausted.


With all the disturbance that the decorating has caused, and everything being a little off schedule at the moment, I think Aurora is struggling. Her behaviour always changes when she is seemingly overwhelmed, although she can’t articulate that. I know that I feel it, the disarray of everything being everywhere. The bathroom still doesn’t have a door on, furniture was on the landing, everything from Luna’s room, extra stuff from the bathroom and additional Christmas bits have been making me feel like I’m drowning. Not to mention the fact that I haven’t been able to put half of the washing away. All my little routines have been skewed and if I am feeling this physically then I am guessing that Aurora is feeling some of it as well.


Tonight was a real low moment. She had already kicked Luna which had made her cry, and when I asked why, she simply said, ‘my body told me it wanted to.’ They both then came into the kitchen while I was making dinner and she hit Luna. She is not usually someone who hits. She may push occasionally, but this seems out of character. I then crouched down and comforted Luna. Aurora got upset because she wanted a cuddle with me, so I explained that she could have one afterwards, but I was making sure that Luna was ok first as she had just hit her. She then pushed and hit her again to get her off me. As I opened my mouth to start explaining again that we do not hit, she hit me in the face. It was almost like a downwards slap, that caught me right in the eye, and I have never experienced it before but the millisecond it happened, I burst out crying.

I couldn’t stop.

It had shocked me so much, as well as hurt my eye.

Aurora then cried more because I was crying, and even Luna looked at me with big, concerned eyes and a wobbly bottom lip.

Luna climbed down and Aurora immediately clambered on to my lap, obviously distraught, and I continued to cry.


I ate dinner in silence, while the girls carried on talking as if nothing had happened. I just felt so sad. I felt sad that I had potentially dealt with the situation in the wrong way to begin with that had then resulted in her hitting me. I felt worried that she was going to grow up to be an aggressive child. I felt pressure to know how to deal with it and what to say to her. I felt alone because Luke was at work, and I had no one there to support me in the moment.

Towards the end of the meal Aurora climbed on to my lap and said that she didn’t want me to cry and that she was sorry. She then apologised to Luna as well, without me prompting her, so I am taking that as a positive. Small victories.

When I felt able to talk about it, I explained once more, that it is not ok to hit people and again she told me that her body had told her to do it. I feel as though she is using good language there, and don’t want to tell her to ignore what her body is saying, but need to articulate what is right and wrong. No matter what her body is telling her. I think she is saying the words, without fully understanding the meaning underneath.

 

Since Friday I have made a radical change to my phone using habits and it’s been revolutionary. I’ve turned off almost all notifications, and moved all social media apps into a folder that is not on my home screen. I’ve given myself some loose rules to follow as well. If I feel the urge to go on Instagram (usually to scroll mindlessly, for no reason) then I will pick up my book instead. If I want to send a message to someone, then I either wait until the girls are in bed, or I leave the room that they’re in, so that they are not seeing me use it as much. I’m bringing back the use of the trusty old notebook and pen. Any lists I want to make, I do on there instead. Any items I want to add to Amazon, or anything else that is similar, I can jot it down, and then do it once the girls are asleep. I am not even looking at it until after 9am each morning, and then as always, I have it on sleep mode from 10pm so I never have notifications disrupting me. Then as often as I can, keep my phone in a different room to the one I am in.

I thought it would be hard, and that I would crumble within hours, but it has been so freeing.

I have enjoyed the girls more; I have experienced more of them. I have paid attention; I have been present.

I feel as though I have connected with Luna more already. I feel as though I can sense Aurora’s emotions as they’re building, instead of once they have exploded. (Tonight is obviously an exception!!)

I feel as though I can hear my thoughts more and am now more aware of when others are on their phones maybe a little too much.

I’ve just finished reading Happy Mind, Happy Life, by Dr Rangan Chatterjee and I really can’t recommend it enough. He talks about phones in one of the sections and says that the is now a demand for old style flip phones that offer little more than texts, calls and maybe a camera. People are starting to realise that we are quickly getting sucked into the online world more and more, when the world that we are currently sitting in, the real world, is so much better.

 

This is the first year that Aurora has been in any form of childcare for Christmas time, as she started in January this year. I was simply not prepared for just how many cards she would be bringing home! Her Pre School sent out the list of children in her class if we wanted to send cards to them all. 50 children. I had to buy 3 packs! It’s insane! Our mantel piece and 6 shelves are jam packed full and currently Luke and I only have one on there. I did not appreciate that this was how it was going to be at all, and it’s only going to grow as the years go by and both girls start receiving them! I might have to ship some up to her bedroom if she brings any more home! She is so sweet when she opens them though. Each one is received with genuine excitement, and I wish I could bottle it. The innocence and naivety of it all, it’s so magical.



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